I Am an Us: Differentiation of Self, Heteronormativity, and Community

In the 1950’s, psychiatrist and researcher Murray Bowen developed a theory referred to as the

differentiation of self, which exists among a larger framework of his family systems theory.

The concept of self-differentiation is, most simply put, “the ability to distinguish between thoughts

and feelings in an emotional relationship system” (National Library of Medicine). There are two

components of self-differentiation: intrapsychic and interpersonal. Intrapsychic differentiation

essentially boils down to self-awareness, or the ability to discern your thoughts from your

emotions. Interpersonal differentiation, then, is the ability to distinguish your individual

experiences from the experiences of those close to you, all while maintaining connection.

In 1991, approximately four decades after Bowen’s introduction of self-differentiation, queer

literary critic and social theorist Michael Warner coined the term “heteronormativity.” While the

concept of self-differentiation is often understood in relation to the family unit, I want to ask a

broader question about what it means in relation to the experiences of those who identify as

LGBTQ+. Specifically, I want to ask how Warner’s understanding of heteronormativity affects the

ability to achieve successful self-differentiation both within and outside of the family.

The Bowen Center states, “People with a poorly differentiated ‘self’ depend so heavily on the

acceptance of others that they either quickly adjust what they think, say, or do to please others or

they dogmatically proclaim what others should be like and pressure them to conform.” In

contrast, “A person with a well-differentiated ‘self’ recognizes his realistic dependence on others,

but he can stay calm and clear-headed enough in the face of conflict, criticism, and rejection to

distinguish thinking rooted in a careful assessment of the facts from thinking clouded by

emotionality.”

Sounds easy, right?

What happens when we look at self-differentiation and heteronormativity not as separate ideas,

but as two concepts which profoundly inform each other?

Warner defines heteronormativity as the belief that heterosexuality is the preferred or normal

mode of sexual orientation. Heteronormativity is profoundly culturally dominant; exclusionary

media, inadequate sex education, restrictive adoption policies, and discrepancies in healthcare

access for LGBTQ+ people perpetuate the myth of the heterosexual default as well as the

male/female gender binary default.

In an internal sense, heteronormative ideas often result in feelings of shame, fear, and

internalized homophobia for queer people. It becomes difficult to separate what we are told to

think about LGBTQ+ people from who we feel we are. This is further complicated when we take

our personal or familial relationships into account. In this context, heternormative ideas and

homophobia may make it actively dangerous to publicly differentiate yourself within the family.

This could present as anything from family members refusing to use the correct pronouns, using

your dead name, or not asking about your love life or relationships after you’ve come out.

Bowen stresses that the most effective way to expand your sense of self is by maintaining

connection to the original family system. How can you accomplish this when the original family

system rejects, on one level or another, who you are? The answer will differ for everyone, but the

aim of differentiation is to be your truest self in the face of those who may not accept you fully.

While leaving the family system may be necessary for some, simply cutting ties with your family

of origin runs the risk of living with shadows. Differentiation asks that, instead, you practice the

courage of showing up as you are. You hold dear the gifts it brings to be yourself: self-assuredness,

authenticity, joy.

You don’t live with or in the shadows. You get to have the sun.

Of course, this doesn’t come without its share of difficulties. Heteronormativity remains so

pervasive that those closest to us sometimes love and reject us in tandem. Hannah Gadsby, in her

Netflix special Nanette, powerfully summarizes this dichotomy. She says, “Seventy percent of the

people who raised me, who loved me, who I trusted, believed that homosexuality was a sin, that

homosexuals were heinous, subhuman, pedophiles. Seventy percent! And by the time I identified

as being gay, it was too late. I was already homophobic.”

I know I’ve felt it. Maybe you have, too. But what do we do with all of this? How do we reach a

place where we can free ourselves of shame while maintaining and nurturing relationships with

those who might ignite it in us?

There is no one correct answer. Bowen posits that becoming well-differentiated--i.e. being that

perfectly realistic pragmatist who can remain calm in the face of conflict and rejection while also

honoring their own feelings and identity--involves long-term, structured effort, and it exists on a

sliding scale. On some days, or in some relationships, you may be more effectively differentiated

than on other days or in other relationships. Overall, tools such as mindfulness, meditation, and

therapy may be helpful while practicing differentiation. While it’s an individual journey that

involves setting and tending to your own boundaries, I would argue that for queer people, a

strong sense of community is especially important when building a strong sense of self,

particularly within an unsupportive family system and the presence of heteronormativity at

large. You might find community in any number of ways: volunteer and advocacy work, support

groups, engaging with media that highlights queer stories, or taking the time to learn about the

history of the queer community.

As queer people, our individual identities cannot be extrapolated from our collective history. It

binds us together, unites us across the world, and illuminates our most honest and beautiful

selves. I am an I, but I am also an us. We find the sun together.

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