The Practice of Being Present: 3 Ways To Increase Mindfulness With Your Partner
Being present is no small task. Oftentimes we allow ourselves to be pulled back into the past or pushed forward into the future, dancing around the here-and-now rather than with it. We might think about a joke we made last week, where we hope to be in a year or five, an embarrassing middle school moment we’ve never quite gotten over. When I’m face-to-face with the present moment I tend to create fake arguments in my head (I win them all) to avoid looking directly at myself. To imagine oneself in a future tense is sometimes an act of great comfort: I don’t have x, y, or z yet, but I will. I’m not good enough yet, but I will be. It’s a natural defense mechanism—a warding off of whatever we believe we should be but aren’t. Within a system such as capitalism, one that encourages constant production and linear forward movement, it’s also survival. There exists an emphasis on moving forward, yet the way in which we do this often involves ruminating on the situations and selves we’ve left behind. Remember when I did that? I won’t make that mistake again. Onward, upward, forward.
The good news is there is a small yet expansive space between the past and the future. Finding moments to practice being present with yourself and with your partner is valuable in increasing mindfulness and connection. This can be difficult if you’re uncomfortable with or feel unsafe in your identity, but as Ed Halliwell writes, “When gently turning towards pain, people report that they experience less of it, and their resistance usually decreases. They may not get so caught up in the negative stories and evasive reactions that tend to accompany pain but do nothing to stop it” (Mindful.org).
The practice of being present may be helpful in learning to accept yourself just as you are in the current moment, and accepting yourself and your perceived shortcomings helps you to accept others. We’re all works in progress—embracing this rather than turning away from it aids in building a strong foundation for a relationship as well as strengthening trust and understanding over time. Allowing your partner to be imperfect (while also not accepting mistreatment) is as much an act of kindness as allowing yourself to be.
Here are three ways to practice being present with your partner.
Get outside! Studies show that mental health issues such as anxiety and depression can be alleviated by spending time in nature. Being outside lowers levels of cortisol in the body which helps decrease stress. If you’re feeling overwhelmed with the responsibilities of work, relationships, and life in general, something as simple as taking a walk with your partner may help draw your attention to the beauty of the present moment. (The advice of taking a walk always sounded so trite to me. What’s a walk going to do? I was a little peeved at how much it helped.)
Put away your phone. This one can be extremely challenging—screens offer a near constant distraction and a convenient escape, and in doing so they strongly affect your ability to think clearly and pay attention to others. Information overload makes for a quick route to boredom and a shorter attention span. Researchers at the McCombs School of Business in Austin, Texas found that your ability to think severely decreases when your smartphone is within reach, even if it’s turned off. Spending time away from screens allows you to dedicate your full attention not only to your partner but to your own inner world.
Laugh together! You know how they say laughter is the best medicine? (It’s still unclear who comprises this vague group of people that makes declarations such as these, but they do know what they're talking about.) Studies have shown laughter helps to relieve pain and increase happiness. It soothes bodily tension by stimulating circulation and relaxing your muscles, and it can even increase immunity. Laughter, much like spending time outdoors, lowers cortisol levels, and if you aren’t quite sold on it yet, it also builds community and connects us with others. Finding ways to laugh with your partner, whether it’s going to a comedy club, watching a funny movie, or having friends over, can help you find joy in the present moment and thus with each other. It can also help you find the humor in your missteps rather than berating yourself for them.
Of course, all of these things take time. Implementing these practices with your partner and dedicating a space in your relationship to be mindful with one another won’t happen overnight. As I said before, being present isn’t easy—it can be tempting to rehash old fights or press on old bruises, but learning to be present with your partner may make for less resentment, more active listening, and an increased sense of playfulness. To sit in acceptance of yourself is admittedly an overwhelming task, so too is the task of sitting in acceptance of somebody else. Luckily, we don’t have to get it “right” on the first try. Are we even supposed to get anything right on the first try? (Maybe life-saving surgery, or flying a plane, but you get it). In the here-and-now, there’s room for whatever flaws you have to bring. We hold them together.
