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Where There’s Difficulty, There’s Resillience.

Earlier this week, after dinner, I flipped on the tv. Before I could make the switch over to Netflix to watch some of our favorite shows, a segment on PBS caught my eye. It was a Frontline documentary detailing the lives of both Donald Trump and Joe Biden. As we watched the documentary, I couldn’t help but notice a real fear and anxiety surfacing for me.

Like a dam breaking, I felt a surge of strong emotions which seemed to encapsulate the many challenges of this year: grief, anger, fear, hopelessness and mounting anxiety. It was like all of the emotions I’ve felt throughout 2020 surfaced at once. I felt ungrounded and panicked. My thoughts started racing with questions like, “What will this election bring?” “What will happen if Donald Trump wins?” “If he loses?” “What’s the future of COVID-19?” “What about the future for racial justice?” “The Supreme Court nominee?”

When I woke up and started work the following morning, I realized I wasn’t alone in my experiences. The death of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg the previous week invited both a sense of loss and panic for many. When in conversation I noticed people were describing their experiences with words like “hopelessness” and “powerlessness”. I found it difficult to focus throughout the days, a sense of dread looming over my head like a dark rain cloud.

I too, was starting to feel powerless.

Photo by Anandu Vinod via Unsplash.

As I sat with this feeling more, I reflected on how just a few weeks ago I was thinking about writing a very different blog post. At that time, I was feeling uplifted, empowered, clear and certain. I had a strong sense of hopefulness and I wanted to write an encouraging post reminding us all of our collective resilience in the face of struggle. As I looked back at that sense of hopefulness I once had it seemed like a million miles away.

It took me about 48 hours before feeling more in touch with a sense of resilience, peace, and hope, even as I faced emotions which felt challenging to experience. The dark stormy cloud above my head started to part and I felt a renewed sense of clarity.

This year has been a lesson in resilience for all of us. When we consider the Merriam-Webster definition of resilience, it says: “an ability to recover from or adjust to misfortune or change”. When we apply this to our current circumstances, it’s not difficult to think of all the many instances of misfortune and change. And this can start to feel really, really overwhelming.

But, it’s also important to consider that in the face of collective suffering and struggle, there’s a lesser acknowledged collective experience happening: collective love, collective growth, collective striving for better, collective resilience.

Photo by Micah Hallahan via Unsplash.

As parts of the world are literally going up in flames there are firefighters, fundraisers, outpourings of support. When COVID-19 hit on a global level, there are doctors, nurses, researchers, therapists and social workers, teachers, grocery store clerks, maintenance workers, government workers and so many more who respond to the call for care. As the deaths of Ahmaud Aubrey, George Floyd, and Breonna Taylor shook our nation’s people to their core, Black Lives Matter Signs ignited across towns and cities, peaceful protests sprang forth, a locally black-owned café in my neighborhood sold out of everything and had to close early due to the outpouring of support. As Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg was laid to rest, womxn of all ages came together to mourn and celebrate the loss of a monumental figure for gender equality.

There’s a popular Fred Rogers quote which reads: “When I was a boy and would see scary things on the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.'“

Each time we’ve encountered loss, struggle, and devastation this year, there’s consistently a counter response to these experiences; responses of courage, empowerment, deep care, and true empathy. Not to say showing up in these ways is easy; that’s precisely why these responses are courageous. No, we’ve witnessed people showing up with all of their humanity while struggling with complex experiences like anger, sadness, and loss. What is grief but an expression of the deep care and love rooted in each of us? Is it not the price we pay for love?

That being said, there are real impacts of current events on our overall sense of wellness. Some may be feeling unmotivated, restless, disconnected from themselves or others. These experiences are normal and expected for times of unrest which means it’s all the more important to get really serious about caring for ourselves and others during these times of ambiguity related to current events like the upcoming election.

Here are some suggestions of ways to be proactive in caring for yourself during times of heightened anxiety, worry, and powerlessness.

NOTICE + CONNECT

Get to know yourself by getting to know your emotions. Start by trying to understand, with kindness, when you are hooked by a certain emotion. And simply make a mental note like “sadness” or “anger”. You can write these emotions down in a journal or a note on your phone. Take notice of what you were doing before or as you started to feel the emotion surface. Activities like watching the news and scrolling on social media during times of heightened collective unrest are common activators for more complex emotional experiences on individual levels.

Noticing can also happen with loved ones. If you feel comfortable and have access to sharing with someone who loves you and whom you trust, cue them in on your experience. Whether this is with a partner or a trusted friend or family member, chances are if you’re feeling anxious about a certain national issue, people you know are also experiencing it. Plus, sharing intimate and vulnerable internal experiences helps develop a sense of closeness and connection with our loved ones.

Noticing and sharing emotions with others can also happen with children. It can help normalize experiences of emotions with children when parents are able to share moments of sadness or worry with them. This can be done in a way which supports children developmentally by saying things like, “I’m feeling sad today about something I read on the news. I know we are all safe as a family, but today my heart feels sad for other people who are struggling.”

SLOW DOWN

It seems so simple but it’s so powerful. Allowing ourselves to pause, breathe, and get grounded in the moment can help our nervous system relax. It’s not hard to find ourselves in the flow of the day and emotions only to realize we’re really needing to slow down for a few moments. Setting a timer on your phone to spend 5 minutes doing nothing, focusing on breathing, and become aware of surroundings can help reduce experiences of anxiety and worry.

Helpful tools for this include:

  • Meditating

  • Listening to favorite music

  • Spending time in nature

  • Stretching

  • Snuggling a pet

ACT

Create a self-care action plan. This can be a word document, page in your journal, note in your phone, shared family guidelines, or letter you write to your future self. Consider this planning for times of struggle when it can be helpful to have a reminder of what helps you feel resilient in the face of challenges. Think of this as metaphorically putting on rainboots to prepare for storm clouds. You may not be able to change the weather, but if you arm yourself with the right tools that work for you, you can navigate the puddles. Try and identify actionable things you can do which encompass various aspects of your well-being: physical, spiritual, relational, mental, and emotional.

Examples:

Physical: going for a 3 mile walk by myself or with family

Spiritual: listening to my favorite Buddhist podcasts

Relational: text friends, set up virtual game night

Mental: schedule therapy session, journal

Emotional: notice how I’m doing with kindness

REMEMBER…

We live in a culture and time where it’s easy to lose touch with our shared resiliency. We’re much stronger, courageous, and empathic than we give ourselves credit for. Spending time noticing our emotions, connecting with others, slowing down, and taking action can help us sustain our resiliency in the face of struggle.

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ABOUT

Lauren Lottino MA, MFTC, absolutely loves her work as a Marriage and Family Therapist. Lauren loves provides compassionate family therapy, couples therapy, and individual therapy for womxn in Denver, Colorado. In Bloom Therapy is a private therapy practice which is an LGBTQ+ safe space and inclusive to those with non-conforming gender identities, race, ethnicity, abilities, and spiritualities or lack thereof.